Buckle-Down Economics

"Hoover? Like the suckie-thingy Lupita pushes around the ranch?"

And here it is, folks. The bottom has dropped out at Wall Street, leaving those of us on Roosevelt, 1st, and Main streets scratching our heads as to what it all means.

Well, I’m not sure if you knew this, but I don’t do economics.

Nor stocks.

Nor money.

What I do do is live on next to nothing, and keep it sexy through the Ramen times.


Believe me. I made it through five months in Buenos Aires on about $550/month.

Perhaps more impressive -- I lived in a shack rent-free in Punta del Diablo, Uruguay, earning the equivalent of $60/month while working at a hostel. Of course, the free meals provided by the hostel owner and the constantly overflowing patrons’ refrigerator made things easier -- but still. That’s quite a feat.


So, as your foreclosures loom in the horizon, and as you’ve still got those little faces to feed, and as you lose your jobs, take a page or two out of my book: Buckle-Down Economics for the Gluttonous Gringo.


After taxes, I make about $1,014 per month.

Rent is about $700.

Electricity runs me, we’ll say, about $64 per month.

This leaves me at about $250 per month, or:

$62.50 / week.


Before I go on, I’d like to stress that these numbers are 100% accurate. I am in no way kidding. I am currently living on these wages, this is affecting my graduate studies (not to mention all-around stress levels), and I will be living in these conditions for at least the next month and a half while figuring out loan possibilities -- and isn’t this just the greatest time to be in dire need of a loan?


In any event, I consider myself a bit of an expert on living meagerly, and I feel as if I could impart some knowledge to those of you in these tough times a-coming:


Broke-onomics, Or: Scrimpy Tips from Kempa

1) Public library -- Okay, the homeless don’t go there just to stay cool and hydrated. The library gives you endless hours of something to do. Honestly, it is an unending source of free amusement/education. I couldn’t even begin to tell you about the music I’ve burned onto my iTunes or the brilliant foreign DVDs I’ve borrowed from the public library. And don’t get me started on the literature.

2) Give plasma -- Actually, to quote a friend of mine today as I explained to him my monetary plight:

“Can’t you give plasma? Or semen? Or both -- at once?”

Turns out I can (at least in terms of the former). They give you money for plasma. I’ve never been able to give plasma as an undergraduate because the American Red Cross was always hounding me for my sweet, sweet A-negative blood. Well, in these tough times I have no qualms saying ‘up yours, American Red Cross!’ in favor of pawning off a pint or two of plasma.

3) Theft. I’ve never tried this one. As a humanist, I don’t enjoy the moral implications. What I will say, however, is that plenty of people in Buenos Aires got along just fine pilfering the pockets of the unsuspecting gringo. Just saying.

4) Water. The cool thing about water is that it’s free AND necessary. Honestly, other beverages are just glorified water. Just, like, think about it, man.

5) Making the best of freebies. For instance, as an ASU student, I get a free YMCA membership. As a member of the Y, I get a free cup of coffee every morning.

Boom-shacka-lacka.

6) Alternate forms of transportation. This one is funny because my bike tire has popped, rendering my $600 bike useless. Wait, no. That’s just depressing. In any event, ASU students have free city bus transportation as well.

Boom-goes-the-dynamite, as it were.

7) Cheap, carb-loaded food. As my aforementioned friend put it:

“Whenever I’m eating Ramen, I feel like I’ve been defeated. I mean… I’m defeated.”

So am I, man.

So am I.


Good luck, all.

Sigo comiendo el Ramen.


-- Kempar